Oscar Picks

Since the Writer's Strike is over, the Oscars are now free to do whatever it is they do. And as a watcher of great film, I feel it's my duty to make some Oscar picks. So without futher ado here are some picks and a brief rationale behind each one:

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)

Why: Because Daniel Day Lewis has a milkshake and you have a milkshake, and he has a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And his straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... He... drinks... your... milkshake! He drinks it up!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)

Javier Bardem should win this award because he portrays the creepiest most convincing killer since Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Ellen Page in "Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production)

Ellen Page should win because it'd be funny. She's like 20 and she's beating people who've been in show business longer than she's been alive. Plus I have a huge crush on her. Plus Plus a vote for Ellen Page is really a vote for Michael Cera.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There" (The Weinstein Company)

It's a chick playing a dude, and while I haven't seen I'm Not There (it's Netflixed, don't worry), a chick cross dressing is the quickest way to an academy award short of playing a retard (err a Mentally Challenged Person, sorry Mom)

Best animated feature film of the year
"Ratatouille" (Walt Disney): Brad Bird

Never has animated film looked so tasty. And never has a cartoon "for kids" been so engrossing (besides previous Pixar installments, but they've really reached a level of polish here.

Achievement in directing
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
"There Will Be Blood" (Paramount Vantage and Miramax), Paul Thomas Anderson

A toss up really. They both do an incredible job with their respective movies. I think No Country for Old Men is overall a better movie so I'm going to have to go with that I guess. Either could win.

Achievement in film editing
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roderick Jaynes

Roderick Jaynes should win not only because the editing in No Country for Old Men was top notch but because Roderick Jaynes doesn't actually exist.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"Falling Slowly" from "Once" (Fox Searchlight) Music and Lyric by Glen Hansard and: Marketa Irglova

Absofuckinglutely Falling Slowly should win. Plus I can't wait to see Hank Tallinder (er Glen Hansard) perform this song on stage. On a side note, and in an unprecedented event of Oscar crossover, I want to sing this song with Ellen Page.



Best motion picture of the year
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production: Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers

People complain there's no "climax" in this movie but fuck them, its one of the most exciting, well written, well acted movies I've seen in a while.

Adapted screenplay
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage), Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen

Like I said, its awesomely well written. I call Shenanigans if There Will Be Blood wins this because it might be a "good" critically acclaimed movie but there's no fucking dialog except for the end.

Original screenplay
"Juno" (A Mandate Pictures/Mr. Mudd Production), Written by Diablo Cody

Ignoring shit like "Honest to Blog" I thought this script was original and fresh and whatever other adjectives critics always use to describe an Indy hit. But seriously, I enjoyed it and it was definitely quotable if a bit over the top sometimes.

So there you go, I skipped the dumb shit like Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Foreign Film and Documentary because I'd just be pulling stuff out of my ass, and no one wants that.

Semi-Breaking News: WRITERS STRIKE OVER

It's been rumored for over a week now but its finally "official". A deal has been struck. The writers are getting 2% of the distributor's gross on New Media (Internet) content! That's like 10 times as much as they get on DVDs. Showrunners come back Monday, Writers come back Wednesday. TELEVISION IS BACK!

Constantly updated coverage found here at Deadline Hollywood Daily

Excuse me while I run around my house in celebration shouting "The Writer's Strike is Over" a la "The Yankees Win the Pendent" or "May Day"

Garfield is not a funny cat and Marmaduke is an equally unfunny dog.

Update! Recently it has been brought to my attention that there is a new site that has successfully made Garfield a redeemable funny comic and that is Garfield minus Garfield. Jon IS crazy! (And sometimes funny!)


Ed Note: I wrote this a while ago, but didn't finish it until recently and in the effort spacing posts out and timely posts (see Super Bowl post) I've decided to wait and post it now.

I'm a firm believer that newspaper comics forever sucked with the death of Calvin and Hobbes and the death of Charles Schultz. Garfield and Marmaduke are shining examples of this. I was under impression the comics were called the "Funnies" because they had what people like to call "Jokes" in them. There are no jokes in these comics, in fact you don't even make me smile. It makes one wonder why these comics continue to be made. Maybe they're operating on a higher level, maybe the fact that they're NOT funny IS the joke, and Brad Anderson and Jim Davis are sitting in their homes laughing at all the dumb people who continue to read their comics. Probably not the case, but anyways I digress. The point of this blog entry is to introduce you, my fair reader (pluralizing may be a stretch), to two excellent websites devoted to pointing out exactly how painfully unfunny these comics are.

As far as Garfield goes, I thought it pretty dumb until I assumed that John can't actually hear Garfield. Mentally removing Garfield's thought bubbles at least made the comics somewhat bearable as it seems John isn't just weird for the sake of funny, he's certifiably insane. Sadly, that can only last so long, and Garfield still seems to be found in the paper every day. Thankfully, some crazy internet people have decided to act out Garfield strips. Behold, LasagnaCat! (Thankfully this has nothing to do with the ever-hated LOLCats, may they burn in the fiery pits of Internet hell) The live action recreations of the strips are funny because they're so not funny,(Ed Note: He loves IRONY. See if you can find the meta-double-irony in this post) but what really pushes it over the edge is the music videos that follow each strip that could only have been conceived by someone on acid.

The following site really needs no lengthy introduction, as its just some guy who's decided to explain what each Marmaduke comic means. Two of my favorites are: Marmaduke Buries Bones and Marmaduke has a lady friend. Both quality and the comments are quality as well. I think the site reached its pinacle when the author declared:

STOP
STOP IT
JESUS CHRIST STOP IT
...
BRAD ANDERSON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
...
JESUS FUCK STOP IT
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS
EVERYTHING YOU CREATE IS CANCER AND MADNESS
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

In conclusion, if there's anything I hate more than shitty, unfunny product, its shitty, unfunny product that makes someone money for an extended period of time. Goodnight.

Perfect Upset

Because I've always liked to craft the perfect headline for events ("Craig takes Quantum leap in new Bond film, Solace") but never actually get to use them I thought I'd use it here. (See title of this post)

For those living in a cave the Superbowl was last night, where the undefeated New England Cocksuckers played the lowest NFC seed to ever make it to the Superbowl, the New York Underdogs. And in a show of monumental metaphorical significance NY beat NE, in an ironic David and Goliath scenario (If I have to explain how the Giants being the David in this story is ironic, I'd kindly ask you to stop reading my blog). Let it be clear that I am in no way a Giants fan, but I am an underdog fan, and I most definitely am a New England anti-fan.

Some highlights from last nights precedings include a plethora of Payton reactions every time Eli did something (anything), Belichick walking off the field before the game was actually over, and of course Tom Brady getting the shit beat out of him on nearly every play. Oh and now Tom Brady doesn't want to go to the Pro Bowl. Poor baby.

For those true Giants fans I say Congratulations your team did the near impossible through the entire post season beating 3 of the best teams in the league to win the Superbowl. To all you New England fans, I say Fuck You Douchebags! But don't worry there's always next year!